The Sunbaked King

I Am Not Who You Think I Am

I am human.

I am flawed.

You cannot impose an identity on me, because the boy that you think you know, you really don’t know very well. What you have in your mind is an Ideal. That Ideal is not me; I am Imperfection.

Cease to pin traits that I do not have. I am neither as intelligent, nor as responsible, nor as happy, nor as nurturing, nor as good-natured as the person you have envisioned me to be. First impressions, while characteristically positive, do not last and shouldn’t. Facades, while innately appealing, must be ignored.

This is for you who voted me vice-president back in second grade. This is for you who elected me group leader in the fourth. This is for you who persuaded me to join trivia contests. This is for you who coached me in math. This is for you who paid me for calculus tutorials. This is for you who fed me when I was hungry. This is for you who lent me money when I had none. This is for you who gave me gifts to show you care. This is for you who trusted. This is for you who loved.

Do not consider this a pity party. I am not fishing for compliments, I am not looking for sympathy. I am simply stating the truth. And the truth is this: I am not who you think I am. It is unwise to think otherwise.

Expectations can only lead to sadness.

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Filed under: Ra, Them, Untamed, Utter Sadness

9 Responses

  1. DN says:

    Some people think that saying these kinds of things about yourself shows your negativity or “emo-ness”.

    Pero, narealize ko rin na I’m just being honest whenever I negate a positive comment, or speak so low of myself. Iba-iba naman kasi tayo ng standards e. Nagkataon lang na mataas ang standards ko at tingin ko hindi ako pasado sa sarili kong standards. Lol.

    In short, I’m being too hard on myself. Nyahahahaha.

  2. wanderer says:

    i cant agree more.

  3. M says:

    Maybe, just maybe, you overlooked the fact that these people know that you are human, that you are flawed and yet they still voted for you in second grade, or elected you as group leader in the fourth, or persuaded you to join contests, coached you in math, paid for your tutorials, fed you when you were hungry, lent you money, cared for you, trusted and loved you.

    I don’t think these people expected anything from you. Rather, they believed in you. Their votes, their investments, emotional or otherwise, their time – they all knew it was wise to spend it on you.

    Expectations will always arise. It’s inevitable. Don’t understimate them, they can handle all the curveballs life will throw. Genuine concern and acceptance trumps disappointment and sadness, or any other setback for that matter.

    Sometimes, people tend to know us better than we know ourselves. A little something to think about.

    Sorry for the lengthy comment but I can’t help but be… affected, after reading this. 😦

  4. Sensei Jery says:

    i feel for you… i feel for you… i feel for you…

    buti ka nga naging officer ng elementary. ako kahit waterboy ayaw ng klasmeyts. hahahaha

  5. White says:

    “I am not who you think I am. It is unwise to think otherwise.”

    I think that statement is an over-reaction, a defense mechanism from the truth.

    I don’t think other people will expect something from you or put you into some sort of a pedestal IF they DON’T THINK you have those capabilities. Likewise, they are also there in your weaknesses because you need comfort, you need to trust. Sometimes, we just have to allow ourselves into these circumstances to better know our very selves. Now that is not unwise.

    Just thinking. 🙂

  6. kerwinray says:

    If there’s one thing I learned from reading my entry and the comments in tandem, it’s faith. Both the good and the bad kind. Good faith makes you want to think better of people, of trusting them to be who they show they are. Bad faith is just blind acceptance.

    One’s perspective of one’s self is relative. That’s why I agree with DN. There are certain standards you hold for yourself. While people may think it’s enough, you know that you can be better. The faith other people place in you may not be the same faith you bestow on yourself. That’s just an issue that all competent people face; contentment can be such a hard state to reach.

    On the other hand, there are also limits on how hard you can push yourself. In this, MakMak is quite right in his thoughts. Other people may know us in ways that we cannot see. There’s only so much we can see in a mirror. For the parts that we can’t see, we just have to take our friends’ words for it. To have a little faith in their capacity to think, in their capacity to judge, and in their capacity to accept you as their friend.

    Two sides of one coin. Sometimes I think I’m just overthinking. I guess it’s high time to–like White said– allow myself into these circumstances and take the ride.

    Thank you for all the comments.

  7. N says:

    IMHO, faith itself will never be negative. Whether you render it or get it in return, faith should never be regarded as bad. Faith has some sort of basis, whether it’s a past performance, inherent trait, etc. thus, founded. So I agree with MakMak: at some level people found you worthy of their faith. You just don’t get it, but they did. Don’t overthink it; they just do. Period.

    When you relay however on faith alone to get into an end, that is another story. When you use faith to concoct certain unrealistic expectations on yourself and on others, that is a much bigger problem. Again, don’t overthink it. People are prone to make bigger expectations than usual. It’s an innate human disposition to not be content. Someone is bound not to meet those expectations, and it might be you now (and you won’t like it), but that’s just the way it is.

    • kerwinray says:

      Well said, N. People are indeed prone to make bigger expectations than usual. So true, and yet, so incredible. Is this a way of people venting out their insecurities of themselves? Why can’t we adjust our expectations of others to level with our expectations of ourselves?

      I’m guilty of it, too, though, so I’m not walking on any high moral ground here. Haha.

  8. N says:

    This post reminded me of Split Screen Sadness. Hahaha!

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