The Sunbaked King

Comeback (II)

I was led into the dark, and the dark became my friend. For weeks I swam in flashes of color and outbursts of sound. Each flash told me I was special; each outburst told me I looked good. But soon I realized that the friendship it offered was one that took as much as it gave. It gave me an easy way out, but it took away direction. It gave me cause to forget, but it took away any reason to remember. The dark still has its hold on me– no matter what I say, its magic is irresistible– but I have learned to accept the fact that it would take guts and and a certain type of mind-frame to survive the dark. I am merely a spectator of the spectacle it holds; I am at its mercy.

Even so with my blog, which transformed gradually– sneakily— over this time. Midway through the King’s current lifetime, a friend noted that I haven’t really written anything personal lately. I didn’t notice it until I was told about it, but when I did, I thought it was perfectly natural. It is only during times of melancholia or sadness (or fear) that one feels compelled to write whatever is hidden in the recesses of the heart. This method of purging through writing, it’s an act of self-preservation. When you’re happy or blissfully ignorant or triumphantly forgetting, you want to keep the feeling in. You want to be stuck with it. The only problem is, if you’re not genuinely happy, the cracks in the facade would eventually begin to show.

I managed to tame the cracks through will and circumstance. A vivid image from the dark, a list of books to read and restaurants to eat in, a change in routine, a month-long visit from parents, and an impending important exam: all these served to hold up the illusion. But the one image from the dark that made sense turned out to be a mirage; the lists fell by the wayside; the routine didn’t last for very long; the visit from parents almost ended with heartbreak and regret; and the exam is now over. People have commented that I should be happy now that the exam’s over, but what they don’t realize is that studying for my exam was the final piece that kept my mind preoccupied. And now that I’m no longer poring over pages and pages of readings… I’m back at Square One. Alone, and lonely, and cracking all over.

I started this blog for love, and ending the year without it. Maybe trying to feel how it feels like to love again is the wrong decision, after all.

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Filed under: Domesticated, Eros, Helios, Ra, Rat Race, Untamed, Utter Sadness

7 Responses

  1. MakMak says:

    Some say that love is like a song that weaves it way through our lives. You won’t know that it exists until you start hearing it. It is a process that can never be the same twice.

    When you go looking for love you’ll only end up finding something else. Just enjoy what you do best and it’ll find you. Or if you want to be active (though doing something is not exactly being passive), you might want to try to listen – sometimes the best song is in the silence.

    *******

    Again, nice entry. Sad but nice.

  2. kerwinray says:

    Hey, this response is beautiful, worthy of its own entry. 🙂 Also, it reminds me of a film by Aga Muhlach and Dayanara Torres. Basta’s Kasama Kita. When you hear the chiming of the bells, it’s love.

    How long do you need to wait for the song? What if the melody doesn’t suit you? What if the rhythm doesn’t entice you?

  3. MakMak says:

    I have waited for that song for the longest time. Haha. And I used to ask myself those other questions. Though I still do every now and then but it gets old sometimes, tiring even. Maybe plunging in heartfirst is the only surefire way for one to learn the answers. I’ll keep you posted. Haha. 🙂

  4. kerwinray says:

    Plunging in. Hmmm, that’s brave. Hahah.

  5. Love. It really doesn’t have a cycle, like a fiscal year. It comes when it comes, it leaves when it’s not there anymore. But it’s true; it really sucks that you don’t have someone to be with intimately this coldest time of the year.

    • kerwinray says:

      First of all, I love that phrase, “fiscal year.” It has a nice, authoritative ring to it. I don’t know. It’s just me.

      Well, a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do. There are different sources of warmth for this cold season. It’s easy to seek them out. 🙂 Thanks for the visit, Striker.

  6. […] The Year That Was (I) In Yearend on January 1, 2009 at 2:39 pm My Comeback entries (I and II) almost served as a summary of the year that was. Almost is the operative word here, because those […]

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