The Sunbaked Actuary

For my About Page, I’m going to answer two very important questions: one that I feel I’ll be asked pretty soon, and another I’ve already been asked several times before.

Question 1: Why do you call yourself the “Sunbaked King”?

This is an easy one to answer. I have no shame in sharing the little factoid that my name, Kerwin Ray, means “the dark-skinned king.” I do it every time I introduce myself and have to say something unique, and I sometimes do it even without anyone asking me to. I introduced myself that way once in a convention full of strangers, and I’ve done it countless times online, again, to a world of virtual strangers. Yes, I am that proud of my name’s Irish-Spanish etymology.

It’s then amazing to think that anyone would misremember this little tidbit about myself, given the sheer joy and effort I place in implanting it in people’s minds. But apparently, someone did. A former office colleague of mine forgot what the exact terms were, and decided to go with what he thought he heard: that I was “the sunbaked king.” This was a genius mistake. “Sunbaked” is an infinitely catchier and more meaningful term.

Needless to say, it stuck.

Question 2: What is an actuary?

No, it’s not some kind of an actor.

No, it’s not some kind of a marine scientist.

No, it’s not some kind of a birdwatcher.

According to Wikipedia, an actuary is a “business professional who deals with the financial impact of risk and uncertainty.” That’s vague, and a little uninteresting. The next definition’s not much better: “They evaluate the likelihood of events and quantify the contingent outcomes in order to minimize losses, both emotional and financial, associated with uncertain undesirable events.”

In other words, we place a price on you choking on your biscuits. We place a price on you tripping on your way home. We place a price on your house catching a fire. This may sound cold and calculated, but we’re not cold.

We just love to calculate.